In 2019 I had a “summer love”. I don’t know what we were, but it helped me. It helped me to understand how relationships are different and getting closer to answering the question of “what do I want”.
After three months kind-of-together, we decided to end the whatever-we-had. But I think primarily it was her who decided it. And that was the painful lesson I learned. I have a tendency to develop dependency. If she wouldn’t had say something, I would probably continued with it, even though I didn’t completely felt “home” with her. We had a good time together, we had our own inside jokes, we started to build something, and then she said “I do not see you in a romantic way”. Phew, perfect timing before I started to idealize something that was not there. Why, sam, why?

In the movie Midsommar there is a similar dynamic between Dani and Christian. They are in a toxic dependent relationship. He has been thinking about leaving her for a year, but she is struggling with her family conflicts, and then it gets worse when her bipolar sister commits suicide and kills her parents as well. Now Christian is all that Dani has. On the other side, Christian is dealing more with lack of purpose issues, he needs to start writing his thesis, but instead he invests his time with Dani and his friends.

A beautiful toxic couple

Midsommar is described as a horror movie, but personally I didn’t find many disturbing scenes, what disturbed me more was Dani’s behavior. When she constantly tries to not “scare away” her boyfriend. Not wanting to say “something wrong” to him. Constantly apologizing. It was tough to accept that I have done the same. Trying to avoid conflict with my partners, and achieving the complete opposite.

In the movie, Dani, Christian and two of their friends are inviting to a midsummer festival in a village in Sweden. More than a festival it turned out to be a cult. Now, nobody that is in a cult says “I am in a cult”, recently a friend recommended me the explained episode on cults, which involves charismatic leaders, community, indoctrination, you are in a group that has found an answer, and when you are in a vulnerable state and these people offer you comfort and understanding, then why not submit yourself to such alluring situation.

I would also definitely join if they dance

Which makes me think in the parallels between cults and toxic romantic relationships. In cults people lose their individuality. In dependent relationships too. In cults there is this appearance that everything is peaceful, nice, comfortable, and you feel supported. In romantic relationships, at least at the beginning, there is this idealization as well. In the movie, Dani was in a grieving situation, and the cult offered her a communal sharing of that grief. There is this scene that I find particularly powerful and disturbing. As noted by someone in the youtube comment section: “This is a turning point for Dani and it’s what sets the tone for the last minutes of the movie. After not being fully supported by her own boyfriend, she finally finds a community that is willing take her pain and feel it too, sharing it and grieving together, as a group”.

Ultimately Dani replaced her dependent relationship with Christian, for a dependent relationship with the cult. In my own experience it is difficult to see and rationalize that it is better to end something that is not doing you well. Particularly when all you see everywhere is the glorification of romantic relationships. Thanks the universe I deconstructed what it means for me and now I am more conscious about what I value. Which includes not idealizing my partners, not expecting from them to fulfill all my needs and desires, and respecting and valuing individuality in the “we”. Because in the end I do want to share my thoughts and love with someone (aawww), yes, the system has that much influence in me, but I like to think that there are many ways of build a healthy relationship. Therefore I remain hopeful.

Please don’t join the cult of romantic love. Or just cults in general. That also includes multi-level businesses.