We met during a Zoom meeting. Back in the day that was a thing. I was attending this workshop about gardening. Sometimes I think it is better to just go out and plant things in the garden an learn. But this guy was one of the best gardeners in the world, and I like to hear from people that know their stuff, hoping to learn some hidden secret or lifehack from them. We were 158 people in the online room. You could see in the screen all these small faces with different backgrounds. A diverse group of people from all over the world, connected simultaneously, sharing the same language and passion for growing things.

I was scanning people’s faces with my eyes while listening to the guy explaining something about the types of soil; and then I saw her in one of those tiny squares on the screen. Why did she stood out? I still don’t know why. Probably because she was wearing glasses and I have a thing for people that wear glasses. I thought she looked intellectual. She was wearing a white sleeveless shirt, like the ones men use underneath their shirts. I think for women these are called tank tops. But I don’t know much about clothes, maybe I should take an online course about that later.

I could see she had long hair. She was holding it in a long pony tail. Or horse tail. It was really long starting from the top of her head, wearing it like a crown. Her name was written on the left corner of her small square. For a moment there I thought she was looking at me. I took a screenshot. Then the thought of being a stalker crossed my mind. Am I a stalker? Not yet I guess. I just took a picture of someone who is willingly sharing her face. But I am not a stalker, I am just interested. There must be a distinction that explains what I am doing. I don’t plan to harass this person. I just want to talk to her in a non-creepy way.

I thought of possible conversation starters: “Hey how are things in your garden?” Mmh, maybe not the best start. “Hey where do you live?” Also sounds creepy. “Hey that is a nice undershirt you are wearing”. Now that I think about it, starting conversations is not so easy. I don’t know why I did that, maybe out of curiosity, but I opened another tab, incognito mode, and Googled her name. Her surname was not so common so my research was narrowed down to only two people sharing the same name. The first result showed her Instagram, which was also a popular thing back in the day, kids these days would laugh about us.

So here I was looking pictures of my e-crush. “Capricorn with moon in aries who likes plants, food, and traveling”. I tried not to judge her by her own description but it was really hard. I started scrolling down the pictures and it just got worse. Why do people post everything about themselves online? What about if this is not her? I’ve heard people create identities online and post only what they want other people to see. So this is what she wants me to see. Well technically not me because I don’t know her. But now I feel like I do. And my crush is crushed. Would it be different if I hadn’t stalk her? Which again I wasn’t, I was just doing research because I was interested. Now I am talking about her in the past.

Sometimes I think about her when I work in the garden, what would have happened if I asked a question during our meeting. If I had started a conversation in the chat. Nothing weird, just saying “hi do you come here often?” Or cracked a plant joke. I still know her name, I could write her, but now it would definitely be creepy. Right?